Three Signs You Are Winning at Life


Unlike in sports, there is no real scoreboard for life. We can’t look up at any one moment and know, objectively, how well we are doing. Many times you may wonder how your life stacks up by comparing yourself to others. However, studies have shown that making these social comparisons may lead to negative emotions. The platform of social media has especially been linked to depressive symptoms because the context is primed for people to compare their accomplishments to that of their friends.

In fact, the only real metric by which most people compare is financial success. Think about it for a second, what’s the sign of a successful book, movie, or sports contract? Books are defined by the number of copies sold, a movie by its box office revenue, and a sports contract by the salary. This is also true in day-to-day life. We often evaluate an opportunity based on its financial reward and we evaluate ourselves on our ability to earn money and spend that money on material things. To quote the film Jerry Maguire, we define success simply by asking the universe to “show me the money.”

Does money or financial success help us to feel like we are winning? No.

Consider this study conducted by Daniel Kahneman and Angus Deaton where they looked for indicators of psychological well-being in nearly half a million randomly selected American citizens. Their findings were profound as the research indicated once our basic needs are met, our happiness tends to plateau.

We tend to define success by money, yet money does not equal happiness. It seems we have driven our lives into a crossroads: is success defined by money or by happiness? I say, it’s time to walk off-road and make your own path.

You are likely to be winning at life if you incorporate three important practices into your daily routine. Without further delay, here they are:

1. Gratitude

Gratitude as a life orientation goes beyond the appreciation that arises after help from others. Research has found that gratitude is strongly associated with psychological well-being when it is practiced as a habitual focusing on and appreciating the positive in the world. When you make the decision to emphasize gratitude, there is little room left for feelings of jealousy or envy. As quoted by the Zen Shin practice of meditation, “A flower does not think of comparing itself to the flower next to it. It just blooms.”

2. Relationships

The quality of our relationships does not just impact our daily lives but also our long-term well-being. Dr. Robert Waldinger, Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, supported this notion with findings from research that began in 1938 with 268 Harvard sophomores but has now expanded to include their offspring and has amassed data from over 1,300 participants. One critical finding was how the role of relationships played in our overall health. The people who were happiest in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. Furthermore, Dr. Waldinger went as far as to state, “Loneliness kills. It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.”

3. Pursuit of Meaning

The Journal of Positive Psychology recently published two studies that tracked 400 Americans who fell into two groups: high happiness/low meaning levels and low happiness/high meaning levels. Characteristics of the “happy” group included avoidance of taxing entanglements. On the other hand, the “meaning” group spent more time helping others and focused on family or relationships. The study explains that the pursuit of meaning lends to a belief that one’s life matters. That purpose can foster life satisfaction. These studies reinforce the important roles that gratitude and quality relationships play in a “winning” life.

So when you’re looking for a scorecard on your life, don’t look at your salary, the size of your house, or the brand of your car. Instead, look inward towards your ability to enjoy your relationships and activities. That way, you’ll always win.  

The Spirit of Motivational Interviewing

When I facilitate a Motivational Interviewing Training, I find that many (if not most) people are really interested in learning the OARS, the techniques of Motivational Interviewing. However, Bill Miller and Steve Rollnick, the founders of Motivational Interviewing, would tell us all that it’s really also important to learn about the spirit of Motivational Interviewing. It’s not what you say, right? It’s how you say it.

So in my training’s and in the work I do, I focus on helping people to get in touch with that compassion. Most of the research says that when you’re trying to help someone change, or are trying to help someone at all, it’s really important to also listen to them and to be with them. It’s kind of like coming to a full stop. You put down everything you have in your hands, all those screens we like to look at and you really sit with the person and whatever their experience is.

Only then, do the OARS work. Only then do the techniques of Motivational Interviewing work. So in my training’s and the work I do, I really focus on experiential exercises to help people get in touch with that underlying feeling of what it is to really be with someone and to help them to change.

Tune Your Guitar to Happiness in Three Steps

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about happiness; after all, as a clinical psychologist, helping my patients find a path to happiness is part of my job. And there have been many studies about what specific factors influence our happiness, looking at everything from salary to IQ.

But the true grandmaster of all happiness psychology is Abraham Maslow. He’s most famous today for introducing Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which he claimed contained the key to the nature of true happiness and fulfillment. The basic idea of Maslow’s hierarchy is that we have different sets of needs which we have to satisfy. According to Maslow, some of these categories are more basic or fundamentally necessary than others. You should address each category in turn before moving on to the next level of needs—this is why it’s not Maslow’s Simple List of Needs. So Food and Shelter should take precedence over, say, finding true love (though maybe some of the modern romantics reading this will argue otherwise!) The highest, narrowest level—the tip of the pyramid—is “Self-Actualization”, which you can finally get over by reaching your fullest potential for yourself creatively. And after that, you’re done—you can now reap the benefits of a fully perfect, optimally happy life.

Seventy-one years later, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is still one of the cornerstones of the psychology of happiness. To this day it dominates the discussion on what it means to live a meaningful, rewarding life. And in my opinion, there is a better way to think about achieving happiness.

Hear me out. In my view, the implication of Maslow’s pyramid is that once you figure out with a given category of needs, it’s like you’re done with that category. Once you figure out how to feel safe, you can stop worrying about safety, and can move on to Love. And, the logic goes, once you figure out love, you can shift your focus to Esteem. Maslow’s hierarchy encourages you to think of happiness as a static and fixed structure, through which you progress from one level to the next until you reach the summit, at which you can just coast forever on your well-being.

The only problem is that happiness doesn’t work that way. Your life is a beautifully fluid experience, an elaborate, continually shifting flux of interwoven connections, and your needs for happiness shift right along with it, from one moment to the next. Which means that you can’t ever “figure out” Love or Health or Self-Esteem and then leave it aside while you tackle the next source of happiness. Instead, you have to work at each aspect every day, even after you’ve found it—especially if you’ve found it. Happiness isn’t a result that you work towards, it’s a process which you embody. And it doesn’t consist an arduous struggle against a huge, immobile set of obstacles: it lies instead in the tiny adjustments you can make as you move from one day to the next.

So happiness is not, in my view, a pyramid you have to climb. There is a more precise and motivating metaphor. I actually think it’s more like a guitar.

Again, hear me out. Over time, a guitar inevitably comes out of tune—not because it’s a bad guitar, but because that’s the nature of guitars. In fact, the key to maintaining a guitar is to notice when it’s not in tune and continually re-tune it—not set it on fire because it was out of tune – no offense, Jimi. Keeping a guitar well-calibrated involves a series of small tunings and re-tunings. It should be the same way with happiness: your happiness may fluctuate, it may even bottom out, but this doesn’t mean you should envision a huge insurmountable pyramid in which you need to reach the pinnacle of self-actualization for true happiness. It just means you need to adapt to your new equilibrium, to re-tune your inner guitar. That’s what happiness is—our ability to make the small but meaningful adaptations to whatever life throws at you.

In my own life, this approach has helped me better respond to situations when I fall short of my own personal goals. Lately I’ve been working on a book! Look out for it! Sorry to say its been delayed and at times the slow progress impacts my feelings of what I believe Dr. Maslow would call self-actualization

But instead, I took a step back and thought, “So I’ve come out of tune. But not a whole lot—I’ve been doing pretty well on the outline and proposal. So what can I do to get back on track?” The answer, of course, was to continue working on a small part of the introduction. And quietly, this little setback only sharpened my resolve continue moving forward.

I encourage you to see being happy not as an insurmountable pyramid you climb once and then forget about, but more like an inner guitar which you can tune slightly better each day. If you can work at thinking of happiness in this way,  you’ll be astonished by how approachable it becomes: how simple it becomes to plant the seeds for it today and help it sprout tomorrow, and flower the day after that. And if you fall short, realize that although we may occasionally get “out of tune”, that’s no sign of weakness. If anything, our ability to tune ourselves back, to recover, to adapt, and then to improve our lives—believe it or not, that’s the secret source of our truest strength.

My recommendation to you is to get out there, reflect upon your lives, and start tuning your inner guitars. Your happiness awaits.

What I Learned as a Sport Psychologist at the World Series

In 2015 I had the immense privilege of being the sport psychologist working with the New York Mets. This was tremendously exciting for me as I had been working with the team for nine years and also because I grew up in New York City with a New Yorker dad that was a Mets fan.

It was a incredible season full of exciting moments and a team that was full of enthusiasm. Surprisingly though, there were moments where I found myself struggling to enjoy it. In fact, I remember being on the field before one of the early games in the series and feeling like my mind was a swirl about all the things I had to do, my obligations and my stress about helping each player be their best. This experience taught me something. It is a lesson that I have applied to my work in many ways. Often we get so caught up with the outcome of things that we do not focus on the process. In sport psychology we talk about “controlling the controllables”. One way to do this is to really understand what you control in any one moment. Your attitude, your preparation and your effort. In sport and performance psychology we use the acronym APE for this. APE stands for your:

Attitude – Preparation – Effort.

You don’t actually control the outcome or results directly. You control your mindset and preparation. There are many sport and performance psychology techniques that apply to everyday life and help me in those moments.  But it’s not just me , in fact in this years exciting world series, one of the critical performers, Jose Altuve uses them too. In addition to being known for his incredible play on the field, Altuve is loved in the clubhouse for his preparation, and the energy he brings on a daily basis. It didn’t always look like it was going to be a happy ending for Altuve, however. When he was a young player and trying out for multiple MLB teams, he was consistently getting cut after each opportunity. Altuve, who is listed at just 5′ 6” did not let this get the best of him, and instead showed incredible grit and determination.

After getting cut the first day of a two day tryout with the Houston Astros, Altuve did  not take no for an answer. He went back to the Astros’ tryout the next day, hoping that the scouts who had cut him the previous day would not remember doing so. While they were suprised to see him, they allowed Altuve to try out again and eventually offered him a $15,000 contract. Now that Altuve is a leading candidate for the 2017 MVP award and playing in the World Series I would say that the Astros made a good decision. We can all learn from the tremendous grit, perseverance and positive mindset of Jose Altuve. He just never gave up on himself or his goals and that is the only way to overcome obstacles and reach your full potential.

Altuve is known to use the sport psychology skill I mentioned before called imagery/visualization, or “mental reps”.  This technique allows you to practice your performance mentally. Mental reps give a player a clear advantage over his opponents as he is able to place himself in a batters box an unlimited number of times and place himself in an unlimited number of situations.  Most MLB starting players get about 3-5 at bats per game, but including mental reps into your routine can help you to see more pitches from more pitchers in more scenarios.

The 2017 World Series has been incredible so far, and I am so honored to have had my own World Series experience with the Mets in 2015. I am a believer that life is a sport. In fact, so much so that I wrote a book about it! The lessons that we teach athletes in situations like Game Seven of the World Series can be applied to the meeting room, on a first date, and yes, even to my life as a sport and performance psychologist. Im lucky to continue to work with high performing athletes and other performers. By utilizing the same sport psychology techniques I coach athletes on, I can enjoy these precious moments more… and so can you.



3 Ways to Enjoy Your Job More

We all have moments in which we dislike our jobs. Whether we find the work boring, or we are frustrated with our boss, it can be challenging to show up every day with our game face on.

In this Business Insider video, I share the three secret techniques to being able to enjoy your work more, whatever it might be.